GARY C. RAMSEYER'S FIRST INTERNET GALLERY OF STATISTICS JOKES BY TOPIC

What do statistics professors get when they drink too much?

Kurtosis of the Liver!

*This one has been floating in my files unnoticed for sometime. A belated thank you goes out to David Coursey.

Did you hear about the statistics professor that suddenly turned bearish and sold off all his stocks?

His department chair told him that severe grade inflation had occurred in his courses and interest rates among the students had skyrocketed!!!

*The poor professor should have consulted with Dr. Greenhouse, er pardon me, Dr. Greenspan before taking such a conservative approach!!! This is my contribution to get the year 2000 rolling.

Have you heard about the statistics joke gone horribly wrong?

Even the undergrads could understand it!!

*Hmmh! I always thought the critical attribute of a good statistics joke was its backward compatibility with undergraduates. Oh well!! A big thanks to Kathleane Kaczor a biology major at USU for sharing this bit of humor even though she was shocked that I liked it.

Did you hear about the eccentric Statistics Professor that ran frantically through a hotel lobby wearing only Jockey briefs with a cell phone in one hand?

He was desparately looking for a bathrobe. His stock broker had just called him and warned him to COVER HIS SHORTS!!!!

*The current 2002 bear stock market inspired me to write this little quip. It seems that when we have a rare up day it is attributed to investors covering their shorts. I knew I should have taken that job with Jockey Underwear a year ago selling shorts door-to-door!!!

What's black, brown and red and looks good on a Statistics Professor?

A Doberman.

*Now that is strange. I thouht a Doberman was a fine cashmere sweater! Anyway, thanks again to Hal Ashburner for this rather sick joke.

A statistics professor was completing what he thought was a very inspiring lecture on the importance of significance testing in today's world. A young nursing student in the front row sheepishly raised her hand and said, " But sir, why do nurses have to take statistics courses?"

The professor thought for a few seconds and replied, "Young lady, statistics saves lives!"

The nursing student was utterly surprised and after a short pause retorted, "But sir, please tell us how statistics saves lives!"

"Well," the professor's voice grew loud and somewhat angry, "STATISTICS KEEPS ALL THE IDIOTS OUT OF THE NURSING PROFESSION!!!"

*I was always told by professors in other disciplines that statistics was the ultimate screening device. The frequency of occurence of this question in my introductory statistics course prompted me to write this joke. I think it is wonderful that statistics truly does save lives but how can I give this response to a music therapy major?

A statistics professor dies and so the test scheduled for that day is cancelled.

A student rings the department at 5 minute intervals to ask if the test is on. The guy answering the phone asks him, "Why the bloody hell are you ringing so often? I've told you 16 times the professor has passed away! What are you doing, some sort of research, are you experimenting on me? What the bloody hell is it?"

"Nah, the student replies, no research. I just like to hear you say it."

*This ia another Hal Ashburner joke from down under. It sure makes statisticians feel unwanted!

Why did the statistician take Viagra?

Since his sample was large, he did not want to be rejected with a small p-value and be declared practically nonsignificant!!

*Thanks to Philip J. Politis from the URI Fisheries Department for passing this joke along. However, I will not touch this with a ten-foot pole.