GARY C. RAMSEYER'S FIRST INTERNET GALLERY OF STATISTICS JOKES BY TOPIC

One day there was a fire in a wastebasket in the Dean's office and in rushed a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician. The physicist immediately starts to work on how much energy would have to be removed from the fire to stop the combustion. The chemist works on which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation. While they are doing this, the statistician is setting fires to all the other wastebaskets in the office. "What are you doing?" they demanded. "Well to solve the problem, obviously you need a large sample size" the statistician replies.

*This is one of my favorites. Thanks again to Hugh Foley.

STATISTICS IS THE TAMING OF RANDOMNESS.

*Aha! Now I know the raison d'etre for our beloved field. I wonder, however, if statistics had never evolved, would the earth still be a primordial swamp? Thanks Dietrich Trenkler from the University of Osnabruck for this insightful contribution.

Two random variables were gossiping and thought they were discrete by whispering but I heard their chatter continuously.

*Thanks go out to Dan Hayden for sending me this cute variation of a segment of Joke #28. However, Dan was discrete by not sending me his affiliation.

A statistics professor was describing sampling theory to his class, explaining how a sample can be studied and used to generalize to a population. One of the students in the back of the room kept shaking his head. "What's the matter?" asked the professor. "I don't believe it," said the student, "why not study the whole population in the first place?" The professor continued explaining the ideas of random and representative samples. The student still shook his head. The professor launched into the mechanics of proportional stratified samples, randomized cluster sampling, the standard error of the mean, and the central limit theorem. The student remained unconvinced saying, "Too much theory, too risky, I couldn't trust just a few numbers in place of ALL of them." Attempting a more practical example, the professor then explained the scientific rigor and meticulous sample selection of the Nielsen television ratings which are used to determine how multiple millions of advertising dollars are spent. The student remained unimpressed saying, "You mean that just a sample of a few thousand can tell us exactly what over 250 MILLION people are doing?" Finally, the professor, somewhat disgruntled with the scepticism, replied, "Well, the next time you go to the campus clinic and they want to do a blood test...tell them that's not good enough ...tell them to TAKE IT ALL!!"

*This has to rank with the very best of the stat jokes and is also very instructive. Many thanks go out to Kenn(Doc) Finstuen for sending me this jewel. Kenn, who is a consulting statistician from San Antonio, Texas sent me a package of materials several years ago that were misplaced until recently. Sorry Kenn, this should have been in the Gallery much earlier.

Democrats believe there is only one poll that matters...It takes place on Election Day.

Republicans also believe there is only one poll that matters...However, it takes place in Florida on Election Day.

Statisticians regretfully throw up their hands in despair because they concede what REALLY matters is a biased poll with a sample size of nine... The members of the Supreme Court!!!

*I will take full responsibility for creating this one. The question is could it happen again??

When a statistician is pounding a nail with a hammer but misses the nail and hits his thumb, what do we call it?

Sampling Error

When a statistician is pounding a nail with a hammer but misses the nail and hits his thumb 10 CONSECUTIVE times, what do we call it?

A Biased Statistic

How do we correct for the bias?

Tell the statistician to place his thumb directly on the nail and then strike his thumb with the hammer!!!

*We have all heard the expression, "I'm all thumbs." In this situation that is literally true. I hate to admit that during a weak moment this funnyism hit me. Anyway, thanks to all the reviewers who gave me two thumbs up in my mailbox on this one!

On a faraway planet in the universe life had just been created. To everyones surprise three statisticians suddenly appeared out of the vapors and became the first living creatures on the planet. The three then sat there hunched together for what seemed like hours in stunned disbelief. Finally, the first statistician spoke up and said, "Well we all know that variation in creatures must be addressed and who better knows variability than a statistician." The second statistician gained some confidence now and said, "Yes and this planet will need to be populated and who better knows populations than a statistician." The third statistician still sat there quietly and rather glum. Suddenly he popped up like a jumping jack and proclaimed, "Yes brothers but the N=3 sample size is WAY TOO SMALL TO CONCLUDE THAT WE REALLY DO EXIST."

*Well leave it to a statistician to throw cold water on a completed project. Everyone out there should know that I take full responsibility for bringing this bit of humor to life.