GARY C. RAMSEYER'S FIRST INTERNET GALLERY OF STATISTICS JOKES BY TOPIC

The following explains why it is so difficult for psychologists to collect good data:

To figure out how heavy a pig is, you find a good stout plank and balance it on the pole of a fence. Tie the pig onto one end of the plank, and then run around to the other side and put a rock on the opposite end. Keep trying different rocks until you get one that balances with the pig. That's about it, all you have to do then is guess the weight of the rock!

*Thanks to Jim Robison-Cox of Montana State University for revealing the Texas method of weighing a pig.

In God we trust. All others must bring data.

*This emphasizes the lofty status of statistics in our everyday lives. This one is attributed to Robert Hayden, Plymouth State College.

There was a very old Peanuts cartoon in which Charlie Brown was addressing his baseball team at the end of the season. He recited numerous dismal statistics such as: Runs scored by us 12, by opponents 125. At the end of the speech he yells out: "And what are we going to do about it?" to which the team answers in unison: "Get a new statistician!"

*Thanks to David Lane of Rice University for this little jewel.

REMEMBER! Data is always plural!

*Short but clever. A big thank you to John Roden. However, Steve Collins, a geologist, wrote me recently and proclaimed, "The jury are still out on that."

As Twain DIDN'T say: "liars, outliers, and out-and-out liars"! (Nor did Disraeli...)

*Thanks to Robert Dawson for submitting this twist on an old standard.

How many statisticians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We really don't know yet. Our entire sample was skewed to the left!

*This is my own little gem. I hope this one doesn't go RIGHT by you.

I'm not an outlier; I just haven't found my distribution yet!

*Thanks to Ronan Conroy in Dublin, Ireland for this real cute one. I have also been searching for my distribution throughout my entire career.

One day a consulting statistician just remembered that a client was waiting for a set of frequency poylgon CHARTS.They needed to be delivered immediately. Since the weather was humid and sticky the statistician threw on a tee-shirt and some wrinkled SHORTS and rushed out the door. Somewhat discombombulated, he jumped into his car and roared down the road at a high rate of speed. As he rounded a sharp curve, he suddenly took one hand off the wheel and his car veered out of control and tumbled into the ditch. The poor statistician was seriously injured.

Why in the world did a statistician take such a risk and take one hand off the wheel?

He just remembered that he wanted to do some FREE-HAND SMOOTHING OF HIS SCHARTS!

*Why didn't the statistician just touch them up with an iron before he left? I guess I may also need to touch up my jokes from now on since my friends failed to crack a smile on this one!

Checking some questionnaires that had just been filled in, a census clerk was amazed to note that one of them contained figures 121 and 125 in the spaces for "Age of Mother, If Living" and "Age of Father, if Living."

"Surely your parents can't be as old as this?" asked the incredulous clerk.

"Well no," was the answer, "but they would be IF LIVING!"

*Is this telling us that census data is biased on age of parents? Thanks Michele McIndoe for sending me this neat little joke.

A statistician is a professional who dilegently collects facts and data and then carefully draws confusions about them.--- Author unknown thank goodness!

*How ungreatful! Here we statisticians work our tails off to make sense out of samples and use sophisticated techniques to make valuable inferences about populations and people tell us that we confuse them. How dare they?

Knock! Knock!

Whose there? (without opening the door)

"The census taker."

"Go away - I don't want my senses taken."

"No, you don't understand, I just want to survey you."

"A statistical sample of one isn't valid -- go away."

"You aren't the only one."

"So you are bothering a whole bunch of people, go away."

"Look you are unique and I don't want to miss you in the survey."

"How do you know I'm unique when you haven't surveyed me yet?"

"Ok, I don't know you are unique, but you might be."

"You mean you think I'm an oddball."

"No, maybe more like an outlier."

"Now you calling me an out and out lier, go away."

"No, I mean you are far from the average Joe."

"I hope so, I'm Sally."

"Look Sally, we are trying to get population data, how many people live here?"

"Gosh, how would I know, I think there about 15 thousand in Smugville."

"No, I mean in this house!"

"Oh, that's a question of a different nature."

"So, how many?"

"Sometimes one, sometimes two, sometimes four , now -- go away."

"No, I need a precise number."

"Ok, how about 1.34"

"How did you come up with that?"

"I live here sometimes during the week, my sistor visits me on weekends,
and my mother visits me every second week, my two cats are sometimes here,
and my .... and that's none of your business".

"Thanks Sally have a great day."
(census taker wrote -- "NO PERSONS LIVING HERE - UNOCCUPIED.")

*This is hilarious. It reminds me of the Abbott and Costello "Who's on first?" routine. Also it has to be the longest Knock! Knock! joke ever written. Many thanks to Collin Carbno for sending this clever exchange from Saskatchewan Canada.

It is believed by many humerists that statistical jokes are usually a flop in large nightclubs.
Thus, if you examined graphically the frequency disribution of the number of statistics jokes told by every stand up comedian in the USA, what would be the shape of the frequency polygon?

Shapeless---It would be a degenerate point distribution many units on the frequency scale above 0 on the score scale!

*Oh! I am in big trouble now--lumping all these comedians as degenerate. The fact remains that my statement is probably very close to being true. All we need,though,is a counter example to prove me wrong. So please send me a stat joke told by a stand up comedian!! It is obvious how these people feel toward statistics humor--they know they could not make a living on the topic. Or is it possible that statistical humor is such a new phenomenan that it hasn't been incorporated into their routines yet?

My scatterplot's not monotonic
I'm sad and a trifle ironic.
The dreadful kurtosis
Is causing psychosis;
Please bring me a stong gin and tonic.

*Another limmerick from the collection of Debby Apthorpe in Australia. Thanks Debby for starting the New Year of 2008 off with a free round of drinks.