GARY C. RAMSEYER'S FIRST INTERNET GALLERY OF STATISTICS JOKES BY TOPIC

What do you get when you cross a statistician with a chiropractor?

You get an adjusted R squared from a BACKward regression problem!

*Yes this is my very own. If you think this is lame send me a better joke that's not in the Gallery.

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest.

*This one is credited to S. den Hartog by way of Joachim Verhagen's Science Jokes page.

Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to New York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"

*This was found at the Dynamic Statistics^TM software site of Key Curriculum Press at Fathom

What did one regression coefficient say to the other regression coefficient?

I'm partial to you!

*A big thank you to James Jaccard of the State University of New York at Albany for sending me this tidbit.

In a statistics class an instructor had just delivered what he thought was a very scintillating presentation on two-variable regression analysis. He looked up from the glare of the overhead projector and noticed that a student in the back of the classroom was in a semi-snooze. This proved too much for the instructor's ego and he scowled angrily at the student. He said," Young man I want you to answer a question about this problem. For a person with an X-value of 45, is the predicted Y-value above or below the subgroup Y-mean?"

The dazed student looked up for ten seconds then responded,"Yes."

The instructor could not believe his ears and quickly snapped back, "Young man this is not a yes-no question! Just say above or below."

The student responded, "Above or below!"

The instructor answered, "Yes."

The student was wide awake now and retorted, "SIR, THAT WAS MY ORIGINAL ANSWER."

*Thanks to my colleague and good friend Elmer Lemke for reminding me of this answer he once got on a comprehensive examination. Of course, I took the liberty to augment and embellish this story.

A researcher asked an experienced statistician what procedure should be used to obtain the correlation between two normally distributed variables that were artificially dichotomized. Why did the researcher suddenly rush from the statistician's office and run straight to the pharmacy to buy a bottle of carbon tet cleaning fluid?

The statistician told him a TETRACHORIC SOLUTION was appropriate for his problem!!!

*If you don't get this joke don't despair. The tetrachoric coefficient is legitimate but is rarely used in modern practice. I happen to own a crumpled original monograph by Thurstone that presents a table for computing this index. Any bidders out there before I auction the item on Ebay?

Did you hear about the time Pearson was caught for talking out of turn at a statistical conference about discordant relationships?

I guess he was accused of taking Yule's Q!

*Wow! This has to be one of the most obscure indices you will ever find in the statistical literature. However, one could always say, "IT WAS THERE FOR THE TAKING." Thanks to John Hansen, a doctoral student at Indiana University, for sending this rare gem.

"It has now been proven beyond a doubt that smoking is the major cause of statistics."
-Author Unknown

*Huh? It seems to me that I recall hearing another version of this statement. However, this certainly supports my opening paragraph in the Gallery that gazillions of statistics are created every day. Many thanks to Michele McIndoe for sending me this quote.

Statistics play an important role in genetics. For instance, statistics prove that numbers of offspring is an inherited trait. If your parent didn't have any kids, odds are you won't either.

*This is a neat little quip. Thanks Hugh W. Graham, a Quality Engineer from Abbott, for passing this one along.

A team of researchers from a large eastern university in the US has recently published a monumental finding. The team discovered what the leading cause of divorce is. It is marriage!!! You see, everyone who has been divorced has been married first.

*Well, I wonder what journal was responsible for propagating in print this causal relationship. I was told the same journal had advocated a temporary moratorium on marriage as an atempt to cut the divorce rate. Thanks to Jonathan Schinhofen for suggesting this bit of sheer tomfoolery.